Tuesday, October 18, 2005

mass of unpleasantness

it's a strange thing, depressive illness,stress, this collection of fears, crises of confidence, confusion, this black mass of unpleasantness that engulfs me on a more and more frequent basis. i use 'unpleasantness' as i simple can't think of the correct word without sounding somewhat melodramatic.
it's strange thing because, often when i am at my worst - i am at my best.
it's a strange thing, when i find it hardest to function in the 'real world' my other stuff kicks in. spontaneous ideas, and lots of them come along sometimes all at the same time so that i can't 'get them out.
recently i started writing, for no real reason, a kind of surreal story for this blog. it came from a child's sponge floor tile which had the shape of a frog
stamped out of it. i'm not saying that the story is good, but it sort of just 'fell out' of my head! as i progressed with the next part i began to reread the first and realise that it was, in its own way, an interesting thing. the more i realised that i could be onto something here, something to do to express what's going on in my head, the less i was able to continue with it. the more stable i become, the more unable i become.
it's a strange thing.

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