hard to wipe your nose on scar tissue

29_10_05 ii
it's funny to see how and what i've just written. i am in a terrible state, a very black mood. ever inch of me feels as if it's got its own particular pain. i just want to explode, to scream until i cough my lungs out, to smash something, to kick the living daylights out of someone, to DESTROY something, physically, violently. i direct it all inwards and punch myself.

it doesn't work.

it's absurd the difference betwwen how i feel inwardly at present, and my 'nature'.

am i a potential killer?
am i a danger to others?
am i a danger to myself?
am i a closet thug
am i a loser
am i?
am i?

probably not. but that doesn't take the pain away. i can't cry anymore. instead i bite the inside of my lip, i have hard skin inside my mouth, scar tissue.
then i go blank.

and i can't think.

like now.

but then it's funny to go back and read stuff that i've just written about making soup. what the hell is going on? i am falling apart but making great

food and writing drivel about doing so.
i should be making great food and writing great stuff about it.....