barking!

well they're finally here.
clawing at my stomach and my lungs, sitting on my chest, filling their pockets with lead shot so as to slowly crush the very breath out of me. those faceless, shapeless shadows which dog my every move. sly bastards who don't even have the decency to hide properly, to just give me a chance once in a while, a headstart to let me see if i can finally out run them.
they pretend to give me a headstart, but there's always one or two of them hiding right out in the open in places so obvious that in my naive stupidity i simple don't see them. and then,
"oops, did you trip?"

people come and go. friends and family come and visit and it's lovely. but i'm at a point now where i can't enjoy the company properly. over the past 8 years visitors have come out and gone home again and each time they take a little of my spirit with them. nowadays i find it so difficult to have visitors for the sheer fear of them leaving again, in a way it's easier to not see people, but that is too horrible too.

winston churchill used to have black dogs that came after him in his moments of depression. i wish mine were dogs, at least i could try and throw them a bone.

my brain's stopped working. all i can see is a mess of letters on a screen, all i can see is a mess of words in my head. the noise of the heater and the computer is interfering with my concentration, if the phone rings i fear i could collapse.

so i'll stop, i can't get out what i'm trying to say anyway.